A life without children


It's not often I write personal posts, in fact it's almost unheard of but recently I've seen a few tweets and posts on various places that have, shall we say, annoyed me a little or quite honestly, damn right pissed me of with their insensitive words.


Having children, it's a personal matter and quite frankly should be every individuals choice to make but unfortunately for some that choice is taken away. But there's those parent's out there who clearly had no struggles falling pregnant and don't take a second to think that not everyone is so lucky, they're usually the ones found saying things along the lines of 'my life is so much more special now I have a child', 'you don't know what love is till you have children', 'if you don't have kids you're missing out...' and so on and then there is the damn right nosy fuckers who love to go on and on 'when are you having kids' 'won't be long till you're pregnant' and to these people, please STOP, stop and think for 5 minutes about how your words could crush someone's already breaking a heart because yes, there are people out there who aren't able to have kids, who are struggling through heartbreak month after month, year after year of trying so desperately and then there's also the people who just don't want children and are fed up of having to explain this to every aunt, cousin, neighbour and their dog, because shock horror, some people genuinely don't want them and that's ok. Dealing with poop, sick, tantrums and the inability to ever put yourself and your needs first again is not for everyone.

I spent a number of years yearning to become pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to my child, with every year that passed and it didn't happen, the comments like mentioned above just cut more and more. The failed IVF cycles, the positive tests that were taken away and soon become negative again become harder and harder to accept, yet the comments like 'when are you having a baby' 'being a mum has given me so much' and the stupid chain Facebook posts become even more frequent and quite honestly, they send you into an even darker place and it reached a point where I became obsessed. Was it about having a child anymore or was it a case of 'winning' beating this constant brick wall that seemed to be placed in front of me and honestly, it got to a point where I think it really was more about not being beaten by infertility and not being able to quit, that was until quitting was the only choice I was left with and it ended up being the best thing that could have happened for me, yes even better than actually beating this undiscovered reason as to why fate just wasn't letting this happen.

Once I stopped obsessing over when the next IVF cycle would be, researching what stupidly expensive test I could have next to try and figure out why, why was I unable to do this one thing that society plugs into you as a woman that you're put on this earth to do, yeah don't even get me started on that rubbish, I started to find the old me again, the one who didn't even want children, the me that was happy as I was and just wanted to be selfish and enjoy her life as much as possible because infertility had taken her away, it does that to you, you forget what happiness is, you forget just how fun and good your life actually was before you got trapped down that black hole, but now I was starting to find it again, the ladder was there and as I slowly climbed out the light was getting brighter and brighter. And now, well now I have no urge to even have children and I feel more content with my life than ever before, shock horror, I'm content, loving life and happier than ever and I don't have nor want a child and feel one would ever make any part of my life any better than it already is, so sorry parents but you're wrong because being a parent doesn't complete you, you can feel complete by other things/people, it doesn't show you what real love, any love you feel is real and fulfilling wether it be for your parents, partner, siblings, friends or even your pet and it's certainly not the most important thing in the world because that is actually YOURSELF. So please next time you think of making comments about someone not being lucky if they can't experience something because they don't have children or you want to ask that couple why they've been married a year and there's still no sign of a baby, thank twice because it is ok to have a life without children.

And a little note to all those going through hell, struggling with infertility, I know it's hard, so hard but try to take a few moments every day to remind yourself of all the things that you do have that make you happy and made you happy for a long time before infertility came along and tried to destroy that, because while being desperate for what you don't have might make you forget or take for granted everything you do have that is no less amazing.

3 comments

  1. Very powerful words! Very brave of you to write this! Eventhough I am a mom, I've had struggles too. As a child, I always dreamed of becomming a mom. I always was taking care of my dolls as if they were real babies. throughout the years, I too became a little obsessed. It was almost the only thing I wanted: to become a mom. When my BF and I finally decided to 'go for it', it didn't go as easy as planned. I became aware that people really take the whole 'getting pregnant' thing for granted. As if it is easy, as if it is something you 'just do'. It took 2 years and I had 2 miscarriages as well. I know 2 years isn't long, there are couples out there who struggle for years and years. I know a few couples as well that tried IVF and all other possible ways to get pregnant. They all became obsessed, depressed and they lost all fun in life. After 2 years and 2 miscarriages, I did get pregnant and I did became a mom to a beautiful daughter. And I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world offcourse.....but the older I become, the more I often regret that I did not live my life to the fullest before I became a mom. I never had the urge to travel or just do things for myself because I wanted to. I was so focused on becomming a mom, I got destracted from life itself and I regret that now. I want to travel, I want to go to WDW and to Disneyland and not have to worry about my child or about her bad eatinghabits or about her nagging or whatever... I dream of a solo trip ...but I know it will never happen...and that's fine too, I just need to get over it because I made a choice and don't get me wrong, I do not regret that choice at all!!! I just regret that I only had that choice in mind and couldn't be bothered by anything else life could have given me. So I am glad you found your joy in life back again, even after such a hard struggle. I am glad you didn't get stuck in that dark place and you remembered to live your life the best way you can. I will never say that everybody should have kids because that makes your life complete...that's for every person to find out for them selves. Everybody should enjoy their life the way they want and the way they can. Nobody should judge you on that. Take care and enjoy!!! Have fun! Be happy. It's YOUR life and you should life it to the fullest cause you only get one! xxxx

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    1. Oh forgot to say how much I hate it when people ask: And, when is the second child comming? I had such a struggle to get the first one, followed by the delivery from hell as I like to call it. It took me almost 2 years to not even completely recover from giving birth...so no thank you, I will NOT be having a second child and that is MY choice because it's MY body and I don't want to go through all of that again. especially my mother in-law has been so annoying in this whole thing. She meddled constantly. Everytime somebody in the family got pregnant, she then said: it's your turn next! ...Ehm...no thanks and that's for me to decide, not you! I am an only child as well and I always said I wanted at least 2 because I wasn't always so happy being alone. But after all the struggle, all the meddling of everybody, and also the struggles that came after(financial, mental, physical...).... I am happy with my only child and others should not stic their nose into my life when it comes to this. Same goes for your situation, so even if it's not completely the same...I do understand how you must feel sometimes. And I really hope I haven't said anything to hurt you or others and if I did, I am really sorry and please tell me if I did or do say anything that hurts because that's the last thing I want!!

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  2. Loved this post <3! Omg those fucking comments and don't get me started about those things on Facebook about being a mum, grrrrr!! I very rarely go on FB now due to those posts! I'm going for cycle 6 this Summer, I'm still in the "infertility is not going to beat me!" stage but I know I can't go on for much longer emotionally and financially.

    I'm glad that you have found the old you again, you are having a fab time as well as living life as you are meant to and not putting your life on hold. Infertility means spending money on expensive treatments rather than holidays & experiences, watching what you eat/drink instead of enjoying what's on the menu and not going places as there will be children there and you can't face going. we only get one go at life so we should make the most of the time we have here, you certainly seem to be making the most of yours now :) xx

    Denise | The Life of Dee

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