Searching for lost happiness


Sometimes life can throw us curveballs, big giant ones that we just weren't expecting, one's that can really knock us of our happiness or make us realise life doesn't always go the way we plan, it can erase all our confidence and even the happy life we pictured we had and would continue to have, happily ever after is no more. 
I remember years back, I'm talking pre 2010 I was always such a happy and positive person, no matter the situation I'd try find happiness in every day and think positive thoughts, no matter how negative the situation was I'd never lose my positivity but then 2010 brought a life changing decision, one that you never think more than 'this is going to be such an amazing and special experience' and you never stop to think that life might throw you a curveball, it might not want that thing to happen for you, fate might have other ideas and that life plan suddenly becomes the thing that seems to break your happiness, take away your positive outlook and suddenly have you start asking 'why me?' and thinking 'life isn't fair' and after a while you slowly leave all your happiness behind and life suddenly becomes this unhappy place you are forced to live in. The changes didn't happen over night, I wasn't suddenly transformed into this negative, jealous, miserable person, it took some years, lots of pain, tears and fighting but eventually instead of having the odd sad, unhappy days and thoughts like most people do, they took over the good ones.
For me that cloud was infertility, it crushed the hopes, dreams and this wonderful, amazing future I pictured. With every month and year that went by without a baby everything around me was falling apart, my life and my personality I once knew was fading away, it was getting further from reach and I never thought I'd ever be able to turn it around and then just as I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did, my world was turned upside down even more and I truly believed my happiness was a thing of the past, something I'd never see again. From the end of 2014 until mid 2015 was the worst 8 or so months of my life, I'd never been in a worse place mentally, I didn't recognise myself because the broke, lifeless, shell I had become wasn't me, I had stupidly spent years believing my happiness revolved around someone and without them I couldn't be happy, I couldn't be me and I didn't know how to live any other way but I was wrong and it was time to become happy within myself, for myself and by myself again.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you how easy it was to just change my outlook, that when I decided it was time to change all those horrible, negative thoughts I just woke up one day and did it, if only it were that easy, it was far from it, it took some time and was a slow process but I started with trying to search for my positive mind set again and figured if I could start to get that back then maybe everything else would fall in to place, I started doing all the things that I remember brought a smile to my face, I planned things so that I had events and such to look forward to, I gave myself a fresh, exciting outlook again and slowly but surely things started to turn around and the happy days became more frequent, the tears become less often and the negative view on life was practically all washed away because you can't rely on someone else to make you happy, you can't rely on them not to rip your heart out and smash it in to tiny pieces like it means nothing, you have to rely on yourself to make you happy and everything after that is a bonus because unfortunately when someone says 'forever and for better or worse' they don't always mean it and when you decide you want a baby, fate doesn't always think it's right and as much as that hurts one day you'll realise why and you'll be ok with it, you'll realise that not becoming a parent doesn't make your life less meaningful, or incomplete and in fact, you can still be happy without every hope and dream coming true.


Probably the one thing that always helped to make me happy, even in the depths of my infertility struggles and numerous rounds of IVF was having something else that I could focus on and look forward to, of course that was usually a holiday, who doesn't feel happier with a holiday to look forward to? so thats where my big step started, I booked a trip to the one place I knew I could always escape real life and feel happy, Disney World and despite a few fears that it would make me more hurt because it was the place we chose to start our 'happily ever after' it was exactly what I needed and was the biggest step to starting my new life and helped kick start my happy, fun, positive attitude again, it was like a fresh start for me, saying goodbye to what was an hello to my future.

I began to spend more time with people I loved and who made smile, rather than sitting at home dwelling about what was wrong, I got out and saw everything that was right, being around the ones I loved who could always help to put me in a better mood, I grew a bigger and better relationship with my sister which has been a huge blessing in all this because our relationship had become strained to say the least in the last few years but now we're closer than ever and it's wonderful, see fate does always step in and see you through, it might not always give you want you think you want but in fact gives you exactly what you need.

I also had a clear out, possibly the biggest clear out I've ever had. Furniture went, junk I'd been storing up for years, my wardrobe had a refresh and best of all I moved and had a lot of enjoyment decorating my new home, picking paint colours, buying homeware and then I even got myself a little companion to make my house feel like a home, my gorgeous baby girl Minnie, she's a baby of the fur variety but a baby to me all the same.


I don't know if there will ever come a time when I don't think back over everything that happened and still feel hurt, sadness and wonder what if, but one thing I do know is that I'll never let anything shed be of my happiness and zest for life ever again, I'm back to being grateful and happy for the littlest things in life and it feels wonderful.

Have you ever been through a really tough time, what things helped you through? and if you're going through something hard right now and struggling, I know it might feel like things will never get better but I promise you they will, maybe not tomorrow or next week or even met month but eventually you'll start to wake up and think happy thoughts more often than sad ones and you will reach a happy place again, a happy place for you and about you.

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